and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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