I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize