I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
