I wish life had little blips of pornography
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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