It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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