I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
