I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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