Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
