What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
