insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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