No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize