I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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