I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
