why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
