Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
