I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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