apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
