god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
there is glitter all over my balls
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
