please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
