The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
