highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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