Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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