he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
