you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
