i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
