i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
