I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize