I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize