I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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