My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
