i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize