textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
