We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
