this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
