Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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