Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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