I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
