The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Randomize
