Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
