Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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