He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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