You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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