I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
