don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
