I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
