so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
