it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
