my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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