I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize