Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
