so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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