Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
3pm strippers are depressing
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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