I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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