just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
