So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
