I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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