Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
