Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
